Page 318

The Way West (1955)

in the bed and knew the line of inquiry was wrong. The old, hot words came to his mouth, and he shut them off, making himself think about the Kaw and himself and the chastening regrets, about Amanda and the strangeness that she couldn't alter. It was no less inviolable because it tortured him. He said, "We can wait. Maybe, if we just wait-" and turned over in bed.
" I wish I could, Curt."
" I've been wrong," he said, knowing suddenly it was true. "I've fixed the idea of demand in your head. If I had it to do over again, it would be different."
" How, Curt?"
" Maybe, if we had another try, I could make you see I need you, not your spirit alone or your body alone but all of you. And I wouldn't demand. I would try just to let you know that I stood in need of your help and that you could help me, and that I couldn't help it that I needed help. I guess that's what I mean. Good night, Amanda."
For a long time she lay still, and then her arm slipped around him, almost shyly, and her hand found his and asked him to turn over.
He wasn't fool enough, he reminded himself now, to think their troubles entirely at an end. The difference in their appetites was too great to allow of miracles. But they had made a start, and more than just a start. They were coming to adjustment, each trying to keep in mind the other. And he felt fulfilled and knew he loved his wife beyond all women.
So it would have to be in this, God's world, he thought, that an accident should come between. It wasn't in the scheme of things for happiness to last.
He stopped and faced about and started back. Too